Cracking Up: Watch me, Mom!

as published at www.ocregister.com on November 28, 2012:

“Watch me, Mom!” Blake hollers as he tightrope walks along the six-foot-high wall dividing our house from the neighbors’.

Blake dreams of being a Parkour athlete, and thus commutes through his six-year-old life like a monkey, leaping from couch to chair, trampoline to slide. It’s common for my jaunt to the washer and dryer to be interrupted by a head bonk and a  “Watch me, Mom!” as an upside-down Blake dangles from the pull-up bar mounted in our laundry room.

PHOTO COURTESY MORGUEFILE.COM

Blake bellows “Watch me, Mom!” as he somersaults down the soccer field, scales a basketball goal, and sprints into gymnastics for the first time, beaming like he just won the lottery, because I’ve finally given in and signed him up for his chosen sport.

I live in fear that someday the little acrobat will leap from our second-story balcony to impress a lovely lady. But for now, most of his tricks are accompanied by a somewhat reassuring “Watch me, Mom!” directed my way.

Like all kindergarten girls, his younger sister is in princess training, and spends her afternoons mixing hues of pink with shades of purple on coloring pages. “Watch me, Mommy!” Gracie grins as she holds up her latest fairytale masterpiece.

“Watch me, Mommy!” she beckons as she twists and twirls across the kitchen floor in a pastel leotard and gauzy skirt.

“Watch me, Mommy!” she pleads... READ THE REST:

Cracking Up: Watch me, Mom! - OC Moms - The Orange County Register

Cracking Up: Gratitude, kindergarten style

as published at www.ocregister.com on November 21, 2012:

Few experiences in life are more rewarding than a kindergarten performance. Whatever hassles you endured in the camera charging and parking poaching arenas are worth it to get there. Because once your little munchkin marches onto the circle time carpet to wail Stevie Wonder-style, while picking his nose and doing the potty dance, you can’t help but absorb the joyful living that takes place in the land of the uninhibited.

My daughter Gracie’s recent Thanksgiving show did not disappoint.

PHOTO COURTESY MORGUEFILE.COM

I had entered this particular event a bit shaky. Late, and flustered -- as I couldn’t find a camera charger or a parking spot -- I knew I’d have to rely on my memory to mark this moment.

As my fourth and final child waved at me from her spot, I realized this would be my last time in this room to watch a feather-headpieced tribute to Tom the Turkey. Each of my four kids had begun their formal education on gratitude here in this primary colored oasis. And how could they not be grateful for a room filled with books and blocks and lots of recess?

I watch my daughter’s teacher on the floor. Mrs. Stamen is the ideal mold from which kindergarten teachers are made: she feels like sunshine and sounds like a giggle. She adores my daughter and calls her “Marshmallow” for me, when I’m not there. There is no one else with whom I’d rather share my daughter’s days.

A line-up of squeaky rockstars take their turns on the mic, mimicking the teacher’s guiding melody. With furrowed brows and practiced enunciation, they count out ice cream scoops with sing-songy motions, and belt out the searing lyrics of the ballad “Happiness.” We watch their little eyes twinkle as they boogie preacher-style to “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!” They’re off beat and often out of tune. But the tears of every mother in the room would concur no chorus has ever sounded better.

The kids then line up for the highlight of the show: to pronounce what they’re grateful for. This is the moment when these kids’ true colors are allowed to go scribble scrabble...READ THE REST:

Cracking Up: Gratitude, kindergarten style - OC Moms - The Orange County Register

Cracking Up: The morning after election night - The Orange County Register

as published at www.ocregister.com on November 14th, 2012:

It really bothered me that over two billion dollars was spent on the 2012 Presidential campaign -- until I heard that over two billion dollars is spent annually on Halloween candy.

If we can invest so heartily in our children’s cavities, I suppose it’s only fair that we likewise endow the election of the leader of the free world.

PHOTO COURTESY MORGUEFILE.COM

I tried to maintain a similarly ambivalent mindset throughout the past year of heated political debate, reconciling that the candidates could assume my share of fervor onstage, at the mercy of their moderators.

It’s not that I don’t care about politics or have strong positions on the issues facing our country. I’m a mother, a tax payer, and a multi-generation patriotic American; my political proclivities boil deep. But as I end most nights at our house in the heat of a bedtime battle, pleading "Why can’t we all just get along?" while my kids argue to uphold their messy rooms and stinky bodies, I woke up the morning after the election deeply relieved it was all over — even if several ballot selections hadn’t gone my way.

Then I logged on to Facebook, where I learned just how diverse my "friends" actually are. Half the people I know were dancing in the streets; the other half moving to Costa Rica. ALL felt vehemently about their plans. I quickly decided I wasn’t in the mood for Facebook, and found an actual book to read, feeling soothed by my ability to disconnect.

Until my mom called... READ THE REST:

Cracking Up: The morning after election night - OC Moms - The Orange County Register

Lessons on marriage learned on a trade show floor - Cracking Up - The Orange County Register

as published at www.ocregister.com on November 8th, 2012:

"You have to talk nice to me if you want me to sell your software," I tell my husband as we check our bags at the LAX Skycap.

"What do you mean? I always talk nice to you," Michael says.

PHOTO COURTESY MORGUEFILE.COM

"Not when it comes to techie stuff. When I tell you the remote’s not working, you look at me like I just asked you what country we live in or something and ask, 'What’d you do?'"

He assures me he’ll treat me like the boss, though I’d settle for executive assistant. Which for a week, I am. It’s just one of the many roles I occasionally show up to fill as the wife of an entrepreneur.

We’re on our way to a national healthcare convention in Orlando, Florida, where we’ll be selling Michael’s home care software at a tradeshow. I tell some of my friends this beforehand, and they ask if I’ll be wearing a tight black dress and throwing out candy to garner the attention of passers-by. “That’s not why he’s bringing me!” I retort. Or is it?

I’m always up for an adventure, especially of the travel variety. I’ve even gotten excited about road trips to Reno. But there are so many things seemingly wrong with my inclusion on this trip, I’m still second guessing whether I should yell out “I have a knife!” as we pass through security so they’ll send me back home.  READ THE REST:

Lessons on marriage learned on a trade show floor | marriage, trade, cracking - Cracking Up - The Orange County Register

Disney's 'Wreck-It Ralph' gets a high score - The Orange County Register

Family film review as published at The OC Register on November 2nd, 2012:

Disney did not have to work too hard to ensure its latest feature "Wreck-It Ralph" will attract the wee players of the Wii generation, as the pitch for an animated film set in an arcade is a no-brainer.

But the creators of what should prevail as the best animated feature of the year have exceeded expectations in producing an imaginative, laugh out loud romp for all ages with a sledgehammer of a (Pixar-esque) story. I’d even go as far as to say that "Wreck-It Ralph" is worthy to play in the same sandbox with Woody and Buzz.

PHOTO COURTESY WALT DISNEY STUDIOS

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Ralph’s vulnerable voiceover (kudos to the ever-awesome John C. Reilly) will pull you into his corner in the first three sentences of the film as he presents his plight. As the plugged-in villain of 8-bit game "Niceland," Ralph’s been engineered to wreck everything in his path so his game’s hero Fix-it Felix ("30 Rock’s" hilarious rube Jack McBrayer) can fix it all. But when the arcade powers down at night and its various game stars congregate in the power surge hub, we see that the gruffly designed Ralph (who sleeps alone in a pile of bricks) inwardly grapples with his desire to break out of his typecast box in order to win friends and respect.

On a quest to earn a medal that will presumably prove his worth, Ralph befriends Vanellope von Schweetz (a scratchy-voiced, acerbic Sarah Silverman). Dubbed "The Glitch," Vanellope is another pre-programmed underdog who lives in the underbelly of the game Sugar Rush and seeks a medal of her own. But when darker forces emerge and threaten to power down the arcade permanently, they must step outside of their own storylines to save Game Central Station. They recruit the expert combat skills of Hero’s Duty vigilante Sergeant Calhoun (Jayne Lynch), who in one of the best lines from the film, was programmed "with the most tragic backstory ever." And of course Fix-it Felix comes along, eager to wield his golden hammer and woo Sergeant Calhoun with his golden heart.

READ THE REST:Disney's 'Wreck-It Ralph' gets a high score - OC Moms - The Orange County Register

Best 2012 costumes for moms - Cracking Up - The Orange County Register

as published at www.ocregister.com on October 31st, 2012:

Sugar, nightmares, strangers, and cavities: all the things a parent fears most. Yet tonight, otherwise sound-minded guardians across the country will doll up our rug rats in costly personas and send them out to beg so they can (hopefully) return home trembling with a prescription for tooth rot and love handles.

Let’s hear it for Halloween: the best worst holiday of all!

1. Paparazzi — Have a middle schooler who’s begging to go out alone this year? No problemo! Strap three cameras around your neck and go hide in a bush with a gaggle of other parents. Not only will your tweens feel like celebrities when you blind them with your flashes, but there’s no better way to thwart their pumpkin smashing plans than to remind them you’re always right there, documenting their big moments for posterity.But who says moms are too old for alter egos? Why not have a little fun yourself with one of these great kids’ll-turn-testy, parent-approved costumes:

2. Pumpkin Super PAC -- Abandon your Facebook conversion attempts for one night in lieu of going front door politico. When you extract that red, white and blue bumper sticker from your candy cauldron and slap it on an unsuspecting toddling trick-or-treater, you can feel great that you just saved America.

3. The taste tester -- Throw on a lab coat and shower cap, and when they bring back the loot for the sorting party, sit in. One for them, three for you … And don’t you feel one bit bad— you have every right to swipe all the Twix and Kit Kats. If they give you lip, pop in that birth video and remind them who’s their Sugar Mama...READ THE REST:

Last-minute funny costume ideas for moms - Cracking Up - The Orange County Register

'Fun Size' is fun, but definitely not for kids

Family Film Review as published at The OC Register on October 26th, 2012:

For the (well over) 13-year-old crowd who finds Halloween fun, flirty, and fatuous, "Fun Size" might fit the bill. It contains enough snappy dialogue and angst-filled gags to prevent boredom throughout its 90-minute run. But its not-so-fun problem will lie in its ability to find an age-appropriate audience.

The featured face is that of Victoria Justice, a triple threat who’s won over young tween audiences with her Nickelodeon show and pop tunes. On Halloween, her character Wren’s mission to follow a crush to the party of the night is derailed when she is reassigned to track her trouble-making 8-year-old brother, Albert, who disappears on an adventure of his own.

Wren (Victoria Justice) and April (Jane Levy) amp up for the Halloween party of the year

PHOTO COURTESY PARAMOUNT PICTURES

What could be a light family film cut from the "Baby’s Day Out" template has entirely too much hormonal innuendo with parents behaving badly, partying, dangerous pranks, air humping, boob-grabbing, and four letter words for the under 13 crowd. But directed by Josh Schwartz who brought to too young audiences the mature themes of his "The OC" and "Gossip Girl," and rated for the audience who may have once upon a time enjoyed ‘Fun Size’s’ cousin "Adventures in Babysitting," older teens may find the fresh-faced Justice and her mischievous baby brother story line too juvenile. These factors could prove a problem for Paramount-- and any parent with young kids who may wander into the theatre after seeing the trailer and mistakenly thinking this was a flick about a sister who takes her little brother trick-or-treating... READ THE REST:

'Fun Size' is fun, but definitely not for kids - OC Moms - The Orange County Register

Cracking Up: Attack of the killer napkins

as published at www.ocregister.com on October 24th, 2012:

It was a typical Sunday afternoon in my childhood home. His head tilted back, my dad's slack figure dented the cushions of the couch, his abandoned sports page dangling as he snored. My mom was off roasting or blending or kneading something in the kitchen. And my band of siblings and I were on the carpet, arguing over the comics and floor space because we had nothing better to do.

Inexplicably, my dad shot up and looked around wide-eyed as if a numchucks-wielding ninja had just invaded our living room.

The kids. The crime.

"The napkins!" he cried. "They're… everywhere!"

We looked at each other, perplexed.

"What napkins?" one of us asked. But his head had already sunk back into this delightfully dreadful dream.

Suddenly, we were bored no more.

"Get the napkins!" I whispered, scurrying to the kitchen.

"Yeah, the dangerous ones!" one of my brothers snickered, sending us all into mouth-covered hysterics.

Twenty minutes later, our pops was an unconscious paper products promotional, covered head to toe in gingerly placed little white blankets.

Giggling, we then turned our staging skills to the living room, where we transformed the entirety of our traditional L-shaped settee into a winter wonderland. That poor floor lamp never had a chance. When our work was done, we lay in wait for the man of our house to awaken to his worst quilted cotton nightmare.

And he did... READ THE REST:

Cracking Up: Attack of the killer napkins - OC Moms - The Orange County Register

This Halloween, we're going out 'Hotel Transylvania' style...

So Hotel Transylvania won our household's vote for best "scary" (but not too much) fall movie. I guess the prospects of ParaNorman and Frankenweenie on DVD can RIP in this graveyard. (I felt both of those were better suited for the older crowd.) Check out my kids' cute Halloween costumes, "Mavis," "Bell Hop," and "Frank," straight from the Hotel Transylvania lobby... Not only are they cute, but they claim they're pretty comfortable-- Yes! So this year, they may remain in costume past the third house while trick-or-treating...(available at Spirit Halloween stores and Toys 'r Us, ranging from $19.99-24.99.)

Look at my Mavis, trying to be all sassy like she's 118... And here's my latest Family Film Review of the flick, as it ran in the Entertainment section of The OC Register:

'Hotel Transylvania' proves the best check-in for the whole family - The Orange County Register

Amidst a fall trifecta of animated horror, Sony’s ‘Hotel Transylvania’ scores as the biggest crowd pleaser for the family audience, both at the box office and from the mouths of babes who can handle a little Boo. Though less critically alluring (it is Sandler) and technically complicated than its stop motion rivals ‘ParaNorman’ and ‘Frankenweenie,’ ‘Hotel Transylvania’s’ tickets sales prove to studios that if a young family is looking for an animated fright night, they’re hoping not to invite the monsters back home with them for a round of nightmares.

Hotel Transylvania hosts a large ensemble of pleasantly animated funny-scary characters, including classics Frankenstein (Kevin James), the Invisible Man (David Spade), and of course Count Dracula (Adam Sandler), who has built a spectacular resort to shelter his beloved daughter Mavis (Selena Gomez) from their ghastly human counterparts. All’s well until a charmingly bumbly human breezes through the revolving door just as same-aged Mavis is looking to spread her bat wings and explore the world beyond her father’s safe haven on her 118th birthday...READ THE REST HERE:

'Hotel Transylvania' proves the best check-in for the whole family - The Orange County Register

Cracking Up: When great neighbors move

as published at www.ocregister.com on October 17th, 2012:

The windows in the house next door have gone dark. The Moody family has moved on.

They’ve been more than just neighbors for the past nine years; they’re like cousins — specifically the ones you hope show up early for Thanksgiving and stay later than everyone else because not only do they bring great pie and engage in thoughtful conversation with your actual family, but Kelly does dishes faster than anyone I know.

PHOTO COURTESY MORGUEFILE.COM

She also makes you Chicken Madeira from scratch when you have a baby. And fixes your daughter’s hair for school when you’re out of town. And rolls down her passenger side window to actively listen to your great or horrible news as she backs out and you pull in, even when you know she’s already late.

And her husband John literally runs over when your son has a 106.5 fever. And he tells you his ladder and power hose are your ladder and power hose. And he teaches you how to carve your own surfboard and plant a square-foot garden, and he encourages your husband to quit the job he hates to start his own thing because really, he’s got a great idea.

And the kids, oh the kids. Together, their four plus ours have walked home from school for eight years and thrown their backpacks on either porch, knowing we’d find them all playing in the Terabithia they built in our backyards. Together, they’ve captured wild pets and removed training wheels and played Kick the Can and broken the no-sleepover rule on the trampoline. Together, they’ve created LEGO mansions and sorted Halloween candy and traded garage sale wares and found each other at lunch when there was no one else to sit by... READ THE REST:

Cracking Up: When great neighbors move - OC Moms - The Orange County Register