Bob Saget's in My Living Room

and that's never a good thing.

Unless it's because your KIDS, your YOUNG ONES have discovered the joys of 80's television. Alex and Gavin are waking up at dawn to sneak in a few morality lessons from Deej, hair advice from Jesse, and aw shucks Michelle moments. They so easily forgive the stonewash for the corny laugh track of Full House. What's next? Saved by the Bell? Fresh Prince?

Could I Get Some "HELP" with Read Across America Week, Please?

It's Dr. Seuss' birthday, and this legend warrants a week long holiday that's quite the kicker for parents. I admit I'm finding both facets of this special week to be a bit contradictory-"No TV, Just REEEEAD!!!"

I totally LOVE the last part. I'm on board. In fact, I'm in the midst of the best book I've read in a long time. "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett is a novel about the 1960's southern white ladies-black maid relationships, and the lovable, laughable characters and dead-on lingo completely suck you in. I have NO desire to ever put it down. So if you see me at a red light, in a drive-thru, or at church staring at my lap, that's why.

I simply adore the idea of laying around the house all day with the kids, all of our noses stuck in such beloved books. But "HELP"! Cuz hit ain't happenin'.

Today our calendar was pretty open. So I scheduled a triple-kid playdate for Blake in hopes of an afternoon of page-turning. But the triple drink, snack, and "share...!!!" breaks intermingled with the usual afternoon phone calls, dishes, and Gracie-chasing kept me book-free. Then, when the friends left, Gavin came home and wanted to teach me how to play chess--again. "I'll go easy on you this time, Mom!" He had had a hard day at recess, so I couldn't say no. But I kept my book open beside me, just in case. Yet whenever Gavin took a long turn, Alex wanted me to discuss Venn diagrams, multiplying fractions, and characterization--while Blake climbed on my lap plugging his nose as a stinky Gracie in her stinky diaper ran around, hiding from us.

NONE of these kids feel like reading. But I REALLY feel like turning on the TV.

HEEELLLLP!

"Housewives," My Apron!

So today I went for my least favorite appointment of the month that is only redeemable by the effervescent, chipper chatter of my bikini waxer, Ann. (Note: anyone who would choose this career is undeniably unique and special, but anyone who does this well while ALSO successfully distracting her victims with recaps of missed episodes of the Bravo line-up is truly amazing.)

So while I lay in wax, bracing myself, Ann ever so kindly filled me in on the entire back season of my OC girls. How I missed an ENTIRE season, I cannot explain-- except by the facts that I haven't really been watching TV at all (besides Modern Family and The Office), and that Michael has taken control over the Tivo lately. So shows that end in "housewives," "millionaire," and "runway," are mysteriously disappearing from the queue.

So, did you know that Tamara and Simon are splitting up, and she's been seen working out at the Renaissance with her new man? And dippy Mother-of-the-Year Lynne has no use for her husband anymore since he got them evicted? And Vicki has somehow emerged as the dark horse of normalcy as she is the only one managing to avoid bankruptcy and divorce and holding it all together? Can I get a woo-hoo? Oh, these women are such a guilty pleasure, and so extra exhilarating as we occasionally bump into them in our OC backyard (Tamara-mall, Gretchen-Bon Jovi concert, Lauri-Savannah Chophouse).

As Ann and I trashed and bagged on these ever-increasingly trashy and baggy-eyed women, I couldn't help but notice that Ann now has a spray tan set-up in the next room...

Ann: "These women are RIDICULOUS! They spend $700 on a pair of JEANS!"

Me: "Ann, do you do spray tans?"

Ann: "Yes! Do you want one?

Me: "Maybe when I go to Mexico. Yeah, those women are SOOO vain--I mean, when will it end?They're choosing their spa days over their families."

Ann: "I know, I don't think they are a good representation of the OC at ALL!"

Me: "Tell me about it. Hey, do you do the lash extensions, too?"

Ann: "No, not yet. But it's so cool, huh? It's amazing how they can make your eyes just pop!"

Me: "I know. Tons of my friends are doing it. Back to the Housewives, yeah--I don't get where they pluck these women from. I don't know anyone like that..."

Oh, if only Michael could have Tivoed that conversation. I definitely would have deleted it.