Growing up on the first day of school

as published at www.ocregister.com on Sept. 12th, 2012:

The Friday before the first day of the school plays out the same way every year in my town.

A steady stream of sun-dressed moms drag their sweaty herds of offspring to our neighborhood school at 3:55 p.m. The mood around the class-posting zone is anxious, gnawing, clawing as 4 p.m. nears and The Listis solemnly walked out by a brave team who seem to vanish the second their placements hit the board.

The moms can’t wait for those neatly typed papers that signify it’s real: the utter lawlessness of summer is over and they can reclaim their lives — their workouts, their kid-free erranding. And even more importantly, The List bears the name of the one other adult in the world who will split the burden of caring, sharing and staring down that mother’s child for nine months as he grows up a bit in a little plastic chair, his secular womb.

For the kids, The List means even more. A merciful match can be the payoff for a summer spent finger crossing for the teacher who gives out candy. Or it can seemingly signal the end of childhood when all your friends are placed in one class — the other class, not yours — with the teacher you wanted but didn’t get.

And that’s how things went down for my first grader this year — my shyest, of course. We scanned down sheets of teachers we knew and kids we recognized to no avail. When we finally found Blake’s name on the list of a teacher we didn’t know too well, splattered in the middle of a long list of kids we didn’t know at all, my heart sank.

“He doesn’t know one other boy in his class!” I whisper-yelled into my cell, dragging my husband into the blacktop drama.

“How’s he taking it?” Michael asked.

“He hasn’t — he doesn’t — he’s on the jungle gym right now,” I sputtered, watching my oblivious son’s blonde curls blow in the breeze ushering in what would be the loneliest year ever...

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Growing up on the first day of school - Cracking Up - The Orange County Register

Mother of the Year Moment #582

Today. Blake:

"Mom, you want to know the reason why I eat so much candy? It's because I just don't get enough love around here."

You can catch Blake tomorrow as he presents part two of his series "Ways to Stick it to Your Parents."

The Four-Letter-Word That Explains it All

Blake has told me many "secrets" lately. Which I am totally exploiting through this blog. Do I feel bad about it? Nah. He'll thank me someday when we all sit around and laugh about how he was always the funny one. And then we won't have to feel bad that we don't remember all the funny things he said, because his lecherous mom posted them for all the world to see. But as Blake truly NEVER stops talking, at least 1/4 of what he says has got to be funny. Or maybe it's just being four. Anyway, here are a few of my favorite "secrets." (all whispered to me by the cutest little dimpled four-year-old I've ever met)

"Mom, I have a very important question. But it's a secret....Are you sure little boys can never grow up to be princesses?"

"Mom, you want to know why I stopped wetting the bed? Because I said a prayer and it was magic."

and today...

"Mom, do you want to know why I don't like going to bed or trying new foods? It all has to do with a four letter word. The word is... (very quiet whisper) HATE. I hate going to bed, and I hate trying new foods."

That's Why

Tonight, I had to lug the trash cans to the curb by myself. Blake watched me and said,

"Mom, I know the real reason Daddy went to India."

"Why's that?"

"Cause he didn't want to take out the trash anymore."

Just knowing Blake, that's funny.
But knowing Michael, that's really funny.

If You're Wondering What Happened to Your Dog...

I have realized that if there were to be an underlying theme of this blog (besides chronicling my mental illness), it would be twofold: 1)funny things Blake says and 2) how evil I am because I won't let my kids get a dog. Today, these two motifs conveniently merged.

Blake: Mom, when I grow up I want to be a dog-napper.
Me: You want to steal dogs for a living? I think you mean a "dog walker."
Blake: Whatever I have to do to get a dog...hey, when I'm bigger and I move out, can I get as many dogs as I want?
Me: Yep.
Blake: Even 75?
Me: Go for it. Though, I probably won't come visit you.

(But I'll watch when Dateline does a special on you.)

Blakeisms

Pretty much everything the kid says is funny. Here are a few extra special ones from recent history:

Blake is really testing the waters of appropriateness. If he picks up on a new "trick" from an older kid, we have to quickly squelch the bad behavior without drawing too much attention to it, so he'll forget there's a payoff. Let's just say we're all trying our best... So instead of flipping you off, he'll hold up his middle finger WITH the index and ring finger, too, and say, "I'm holding up my middle finger the way they do it in China." Hmm... okay? And if he gets really mad at you, he'll say, "You are such an S-word!" (the kid "s-word", not the real "s-word").
The other day I made the mistake of calling someone an idiot when she nearly ran me off the freeway. I can't wait to hear Blake's adaptation of that one. It's a good thing I don't swear for real.

He also has delightful observations on life. Today after church, we all left through the children's room door which only opens from the inside of the building. As the kids trailed after me, I guess Gracie got left behind, and about ten seconds later, we heard her trademark ear-splitting scream from inside of the children's room. After a couple minutes of hollering through the heavy door for her to push on it so it would open, she finally came out and met Blake, who said, "Gracie, if I were you, I wouldn't have been standing at the door screaming. I would have gone over and yelled into the microphone."

That's Me!

Today while cleaning the kitchen, I found a survey Blake filled in about me at preschool as part of my Mother's Day gift. It's one I'll always hold dear to my heart:

Your Mom's Name: Autumn
What does she do? Pretty much, she doesn't do anything.
Her Age: 57
Favorite color: I don't know, maybe pink.
Where does she like to take you for fun? Jamba Juice and Swirlz
My mommy is smart because she knows: How to clean

There you have it! I've got to go now and do...nothing. Because I just cleaned, so what else is there?

The Evolution of Scissors

Tonight I was trimming the kids' fingernails with the nail scissors. It was Blake's turn and as he sat on my lap and watched, he said, "I kind of don't like to have my nails cut because then I can't scratch people anymore."

"Blake," I said, "You shouldn't scratch people anyway."

"I know," he replied, "that's why Jesus invented scissors."

An Earnest Prayer

Gracie's bedtime prayer tonight:

(omit all r's and l's to make it extra toddler cute)

"Dear Father,

Dank for da day,

Dank for da bwessings,

Bwake hit me. On my cheek. And on my other cheek.

I have owie on my leg. And other leg."

At this point, there is a stall in the prayer as she continues her physical examination for battle wounds. I prod her on,

"Say, 'Please bless Blake to be nice to me tomorrow'."

"No, Mommy!"

"Okay then, say, 'Please bless Mommy to be nice tomorrow'."

She looks at me with a big grin and says, "I wuv you, Momma."

I love you, too, tattletale.

Oh Blake

Today Blake asked Gavin, "How old will I be when you're 15?"

Gavin replied, "12."

Blake: "Oh. I'll probably be grounded then."

Cause that's what you do when you're 12.

The Stand-off

We LOVE it when Grandpa's here. Everyone. Especially Gracie, who is his snuggle buddy. But Blake, being Blake, uses every opportunity to size people up and see what he can get away with. So today when I ran out for a bit, Grandpa McAlpin made Blake lunch. And there was a stand-off at the barstools.

Blake was bribed to finish the "healthy food" with the promise of a cookie, but when Grandpa gave him one, Blake said "Four. I'm four, so I get four cookies."

"No, Blake, you can just have one."

Blake eyed Grandpa and said, "You're not in charge here."

"When Mommy and Daddy are gone, who do you think is in charge, Blake?" Grandpa asked.

"Jesus," Blake replied.

"Well, Jesus told me you could only have one cookie," Grandpa said.

Blake's eyes went wide as his cookie. Which he ate very quietly.

Santa!! I Know Him!

Friday night, my dear friend and neighbor Abby watched my younger kids so Michael and I could attend Alex's voice performance.

Afterwards, she told me that Blake was examining Christmas card pictures of extended family that she had posted on her cabinets. He asked her who all those people in the pictures are.

"Cousins," she replied.

He eyed her knowingly and said, "So you're saying Santa's your cousin, huh?"

Busted!

Today, I said "Hola!" in passing, as I often do just for fun. Blake got a huge grin on his face and replied, "I know what that means! I learned it from Dora!"

Then a look of shock and horror came over him and he exclaimed, "No! Nevermind. I don't like Dora. That's for babies. Forget I said that."

Will never bring it up again.

When the Husband's Away...

the wife should get to play! Of course in a very appropriate, sit on the couch with ice cream and watch chick flicks deep into the night, way. Especially when your husband only travels about twice a year.

So why???? Why tonight??? When I had the kids all ready to be in bed by 7:30 and my shows and my book and ten "words with friends" games waiting for my response all lined up does Blake have to get some weird stomach virus that has filled the past six hours with rampant screaming and crying and jumping around the house as he howls in pain and pukes all over the freshly cleaned carpet? Oh, poor guy. When my guilt that something may really be wrong sets in and I call the overnight nurse line, they tell me I probably should take him to the ER. (Soooo easy to do at 11pm when you have no other adult in the house and three other sleeping kids). But two minutes after that call, Blake falls asleep mid-scream on the kitchen floor next to a puke puddle, leaving me hovering between "should I wake him and take him" or "let a sleeping dog lie..." Oh why? Why? Why? It's going to be a long night...

Deep Thoughts by Blake

Tonight during story time, Blake asked, "Mom, did Jesus bless us with 'the force'?"

"Regretfully, no, Blake."

He pondered this then said, "Well, did he bless us by sticking skeletons down our bodies?"

Affirmative.

Blake's Bilingual!!

I always knew living in California would pay off. Not only did Gracie pick up a free swim diaper from yesterday's babysitter, but Blake picked up a foreign language!

In the car today, he said, "Guess what, Mom! I can say 'water bottle' in Spanish!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! It's 'walla balla'." (said rapido with appropriate tongue roll)

Bueno, Blake!

How to Wake Up a Toddler

Tonight, I returned home from a dinner with the girls at church at about 10pm. Of course, one child was still awake. Can you guess who? Can you guess? Oh yes, Mr. Blake--whose middle name is Awake. After one last session of "loves and kisses," I gave up on trying to make him go up to bed, and let him lay on my lap while I talked to Michael. Eventually, he dozed off.

And then, I felt something crawling my leg. I looked down and-AGGGHHHHHHHH!!! It was a slimy slug! It must have followed me home. I jumped up and screamed, sending poor little Blake flopping over, half-dazed. When he saw the slug, his eyes popped open.

After a dozen or so worried questions about where slugs come from, how quickly they can kill you in your sleep, why they're so slimy, etc... Blake's eyelids closed again. Our sweet little one is now in his bed, probably dreaming of... killer slugs.

If Found, Please Dial...

I think it's oddly disturbing that my precious little two-year-old has been lost and found twice in the past 48 hours--once in the church parking lot and once in the dollar store.

But apparently, that wasn't as oddly disturbing to today's Disneyland clientele as the fact that I put these stickers on my toddlers' backs. Because the strange looks and questions I got today from mouse-eared humans gaping at my save-me stickers placed me in the same demographic as moms who leash.

(*Note: No parent of an actual toddler gave me any grief whatsoever.)

If she shows up at your door tomorrow, please, please call me.

Swiper Progresses

We left a friend's house and I did my usual pat-down of the kids to see what souvenirs they intended to bring home. As I took a foreign bracelet off of Gracie, Blake looked at me and proudly beamed,

"Mommy, I didn't steal anything today!"

Little Miss Messy Face

What happens when you give a two-year-old an ice cream sandwich in the car--to keep her awake during a napless afternoon carpool run so she'll actually go to bed that night?

It worked!

Oh, this little one cracks us up. She ALWAYS has a messy face--even during her bath. There are so many things about her that we just love.

Last night, Gracie took a turn saying an evening prayer. As she mumbled her sweet little words, "fanks for bwessings...have nice day...fanks for De-sus...have nice day--" Blake broke in with a heavy sigh and said, "I just can't take it anymore!"

We all turned to him. He met our bewildered eyes with a smile and exclaimed, "She's just so cute!"